AHS Cult Ep 3 Recap: What Happened

Last time: Not the Bees!

This episode opens with a butt. Well, a new blonde woman talking about her claustrophobia to Dr Cheyenne Jackson and then we see a dream she has about sex with her husband and then there’s a butt. The butt is a nice one. Actually, I don’t know, on my second watch it seemed like a regular butt. I think this dry spell has got me going crazy, thinking flat asses are actually round and I’m just a thirsty bitch…I guess.

More importantly, this episode doesn’t open with Ally crying. That immediately makes it less annoying than the first two episodes. This patient of Dr Cheyenne Jackson gets locked in a coffin with her husband who kinda maybe has a nice butt by the clowns and they’re later found dead in those coffins but like, so what who cares. And then the opening credits roll and then we get to Ally crying.

Detective Handsome Colton Haynes is there to tell Ally they have a stand your ground law in their state and she won’t be convicted. Ivy then says how the power is still out and IT COULD BE ISIS. The power makes a really loud clank noise, because the power switch to their house is the same switch Dr Frankenstein used to awaken his monster. Ally jumps, blahblahblah.

I honestly don’t even know what the plot is now that Ally has killed Pedro. She seems upset about it for about .5 seconds, which is insane considering we’ve watched her cry numerous times every single episode. There are protestors outside their restaurant because she killed an unarmed Mexican man because she was afraid he was an evil killer clown and WHAT THE FUCK IS RYAN MURPHY TRYING TO SAY. Ally is legit compared to George Zimmermann by a reporter and I wanted to ask Ryan Murphy to step outside with me. Kai saves Ally from the protestors by parting them like the read sea (does that religious metaphor land? Is it even used correctly?) But, mind you, she tells Dr Cheyenne Jackson she’s going to speak to the protestors then immediately starts yelling at them when they block her car. What did she expect? Is this supposed to be him saying something? Does Ryan Murphy hate lesbians, women, or all of the above?

So, Ivy starts joining in on the insanity or, at least, being there for it. Wednesday Addams, who should’ve been fired a long time ago, comes back to the house because Ivy calls her. She then says she let a man into the house who was there about an ad—a man who they find naked in their beautiful living room. A man who had answered a sex ad placed for their house. Ivy threatens to kill him and it gave me pause and I thought, “Could Ivy be behind all this,” which led me to, “None of these characters have been developed enough and any of them could be behind it.”

We then find out the whacky beekeeper neighbors are members of Kai’s clown cult. And also that Billy Eichner and Detective Handsome Colton Haynes are fucking and boy can I not wait to watch that terror sex scene where they either both get murdered during or immediately after. There’s no way Ryan Murphy is going to have Colton Haynes on his show and not have him naked or doing something sexy…right?

Ivy then yells at Ally for voting for Jill fucking Stein and it was the best part of the episode. How far into What Happened do you think Ivy is at this point? Everyone is clearly out to get Ally and I’m starting to think even her son and wife might be too. Trust no one, Ally! Not even yourself! What is happening in this god damned show? Maybe the season will end with Ivy (or maybe even Ally) writing her own version of Hillary's What Happened.

Also, because this town seems fucking insane—there’s a truck driving down Ivy and Ally’s street every night spraying gas and not one person seems to notice aside from Ally and Ivy. And then Ivy has the nerve to still think Ally is going crazy when she punches Billy Eichner and then later when their son finds a video of Wednesday Addams fingering Ally in the bathtub. As to why Ally didn’t say, “NO WAIT KEEP WATCHING! The power goes out before she really gets going” is beyond me. Or as to why Ivy wasn't the least bit upset that someone has bugged their apartment. Or that they're having this fight while Detective Handsome is downstairs. Also, now their son has seen his mother being fingered in a bathtub—WHAT AN AMERICAN HORROR, AMIRITE!?

Also, what if Ally’s Tyler Durden and Ryan Murphy just finished watching Fight Club for the first time on election day? Will my eyes ever stop rolling if that’s the case?

Most American Part: Oz watching a video of his mom getting fingered in the bathtub by Wednesday Addams.
Most Horror Part: the coffin scene—which actually made me jump because I was only half paying attention.
Most Story Part: THERE IS NO STORY.
Most Ryan Murphy Part: The guinea pig exploding in the microwave.

Grade: F

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on September 20, 2017

Buffy Summers in her prom dress holding two pugs.