The Indisputable Countdown of Disney's Descendants

Let's be real: Disney's Descendants is the queerest DCOM since HSM 2.  And that's not a statement I throw around lightly.  While it was silly, cheesy, and yeah, pretty nonsensical, it had a really fun cast of teenagers (or adults playing teenagers, whatever,) that really sold the film.  And while this list counts down my least favorite to my most favorite, I still hold a fondness for each and every one of these idiotic teenagers.

ANYWAY.  Let's rate them based on a nonsensical points system I made up in my own head and won't bother to explain.

10. Doug

Doug is great.  He’s sweet, he convinces their sexist, classist professor to give Evie a second chance, and he rocks that band uniform.  However, he wore a hat that was dangerously close to a Trilby in one scene, and that’s unacceptable.  On the other hand, he and Chad are in love, so points for that.


9. Lonnie

Okay, so it took me a second to get the pun in Lonnie’s name.  Lonnie’s mom = Mulan = Lan = Lonnie.  Feel free to let that sink in while you feel a deep but passing rage.  We should understand that Lonnie’s name is not her fault, nor is the fact that costuming thought “Okay, she’s Chinese, let’s remind the audience of that by making her wear cheap-looking brocade fabric.”  Disney: Always going in for the subtlety. No wonder she ripped her skirt. Also, she introduces the misfits to the world of chocolate chip cookies.  She is the happy queer that shows all the sad queers the light, and for that, we thank her.


8. Jane

WHY WAS EVERYONE SO MEAN TO JANE??? There is no chill at this God-forsaken school.  Jane is constantly worried about her appearance, despite the fact that she has a very cute face and nice, shiny hair.  Apparently short hair is the capital d Devil in this movie, because that bitch Snow White has the gall to mock Jane’s hair on national TV.  What crawled up your ass, Snow?  Don’t be mad because Jane’s 14 and pretty and you’re a dried-up B-list celebrity who doesn’t even have a kid at this school.  Honestly.


Also worth noting: Jane is very obviously the Gossip Girl-eqsue figure running “Be Good, Auradon.”  I see you, Jane.  You sneaky little bitch.


7. Audrey

I want Audrey’s wardrobe, to be honest.  It’s all pink and glitz and glamour; she wears pink a fuzzy sweater/swing skirt combo for about 2 minutes in the movie, but I was gagging FOR DAYS.  I would’ve liked this movie about 200% more if they’d skipped the queer subtext and just outright made Audrey/Mal a thing.  Instead, we get a lot of Audrey making eyes at Mal and/or making out with Chad when convenient.  Get your bi on, girl.  Nobody’s here to judge you.


6. Ben

Ben is the one bleeding heart socialist in this oppressive, oligarchical regime.  It’s his idea to let the misfits into the school.  Unsurprisingly, Ben seems to be the only person in Auradon that believes wealth should not go hand in hand with education.  The old guard of the Monarchy (Audrey’s grandmother) tries to give him shit for it, but Ben is firmly rooted in his manifesto.  In the sequel, he will lead the proletariat in a revolution against the oppressive fascist monarchs, and likely participate in the beheading of several royals.  We’re with you, Ben!


5. Carlos

Just a disclaimer: all of the misfits are equal in my heart.  I love them in a different order depending on the day.  This is today’s order.


Carlos may have recieved the least overall attention of the misfits, but that doesn’t make him any less fabulous.  He was the one smart enough to stay behind at the museum and make sure the alarm was properly disabled; he’s also the reason the team has a dog now.  Carlos stood up to his mother before Mal made it cool, and even then, he rocks signature DeVille style: A palate of black, white, and red, usually in leather.  This precocious little twink stole hearts and drank out of a chocolate fountain.  Rock on, Carlos.


4. Mal

Mal is our central anti-heroine.  Our Joan of Arc.  Our piece de resistance.  Whatever.  She’s got purple hair, which I really appreciate.  I wasn’t crazy about the love potion ordeal, but the movie actually resolved it pretty well, so I’m not going to hold that against her.  Mal and her friends remind me a lot of the X-Kids, which is a tick in their favor.  I was really rooting for Mal to lead the gang in burning down the school for their own amusement instead of choosing good or whatever the hell that ending was.  Mal also painted her locker for no reason other than that she could.  She’s the classic teen-grrl rebel, queerness included.  If you gently shove Ben out of the picture, it’s all about Mal x Evie, and I’m HERE FOR IT.


3. Jay

Jay is the hottest character in this movie.  That’s not a debatable point, that’s fact.  He’s got quick fingers and long hair and has a formal leather jacket.  Dreamboat! At one point in the film, Mal says, “And Jay, you don’t really like stealing!” This is not only false, but super-judgey.  Cool your jets, Mal.  He’s incidentally the accidental Scott McCall of this game, in terms of their Teen Wolf-inspired game that is DEFINITELY NOT LACROSSE.  There is not a single person in this movie Jay doesn’t have chemistry with.  He’s both the hot girl and the muscle of the group, it’s the deadly combination we all needed and finally got.  Thank you for existing, Jay.


2. Evie

Evie is vain as hell and I love that about her.  She knows all about fashion and makeup and is never punished by the movie for being too girly.  Instead, she’s both super feminine and super smart, and everyone loves her.  She and Chad have this weird sexual tension that only increases as they hate each other, so I could get down for that.  She’s also madly in love with Mal, and helps her put on makeup before her date with Ben.  I’d like to assume they also practiced kissing.  You know.  Just gals being pals.


1. Chad

Let me tell you about Chad.  Chad is the Asher Millstone of The Descendants.  Chad is what God intended when Ze gifted us with the term “Fuckboy.”  If you ever want to use the word Fuckboy about a ‘white male fave,’ think of Chad.  If said person doesn’t compare, then they’re not a fuckboy.  Chad is.  Chad is the fuckboy supreme, and that is why I love him and dedicate this, my life, my church, to Chad.  There is not a single person in this movie Chad wouldn’t have sex with.  He’s easy, he’s bi as hell, and he’s actually pretty go with the flow.  He also makes ridiculous faces and his jersey doesn’t even have “Charming,” on the back.  It just reads “Chad.”  Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the Chaddest of them all?


It’s this fuckboy right here.  It’s Cinderella’s son, Chad.

on August 4, 2015