Rob Klaus' Holiday Gift Guide for the Geeks - Part Tres!! For the Sci-fi/fantasy Geeks!
Welcome back, everyone! I hope everyone enjoyed their weekend. For your reading enjoyment, here is the third part of the Holiday Gift Guide for the Geek in your life. Now if your alcohol comsumption from this past weekend has caused some memory loss then let me refresh your memory. This guide is aimed for the non-geeks in a geek's life. The ones that really don't know what to get for their geek in the upcoming gift-giving holiday. The one who just don't "get" their geek. Hopefully, this guide can shed some lift into this dark area. It all depends on you geeks! Share this link, facebook it to your page, twitter it, tumblr it or just email people this link to this page. If one geek can have a happy holiday then my job is done. Today's section of the guide tackles the sci-fi/fantasy geek. Now I understand that this is a very broad area to cover. There is no way I can do the geek justice in this guide. I have listed gift ideas related to the most acclaimed representations of sci-fi/fantasy. Hopefully, this will give an idea to the non-geek who shall be reading this guide.
1. Brown coats unite! Now your geek can own one of the most popular ships in sci-fi history. From the tv series that only lasted for one season but developed an intense cult following over the last ten years, Firefly, is the ship that was surviving on its last leg, Serenity! While this version is smaller, about 8 inches long (just the right size for some gay geeks to play with), the design exactly matches the original ship, section by section, facet by facet. In fact, the designer followed the CGI designs of the original Serenity! Make your geek happy and give him an 8-inch toy to play with! And this is even an 8-inch toy that he can play in public with pride (that is if he doesn't care if he lost his coolness with his friends)!
2. May the Dark Side of the Force protect you! It will with this Darth Vader umbrella! The umbrella has a 46 inch canopy that can protect you from the storm! The shaft (hehehe, I said shaft) has been anodized in iridescent red (flaming how appro), the handle is patterned after Darth Vader’s own light saber. The umbrella has the symbol of the Galactic Empire, Vader’s stomping grounds. Come on, it’s ok to walk on the dark side once in a while. It even comes with a cool adjustable shoulder strap to carry the umbrella on those sunny days because you can’t leave the dark side behind. Get this large umbrella with its flaming red shaft for your gay geek to carry around with pride! Give him something hard that he can handle!
3. Apparently, (spoileralert!) Darth Maul survived being chopped in two by Obi Wan Kenobi in those really bad prequels that he upgraded himself into a half man half metal spider creature! You call that an upgrade?? Just think of all the shoes he has to buy now! Before you know, he is going to break out into song over shoe shopping (an inside joke referencing the broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark for you non-theatre mavens). This statue is huge (yeah for all those size queens out there)! The dimensions are 18”x 18” x 14.5”. You can go ahead and figure it out for yourself how big that is! I only know things between 7 inches and 10 inches! Boasting an unmatched level of detail, this limited edition hand-painted statue is a must-have for any serious Star Wars fan or collector. Hand-crafted using only the highest quality polystone and individually numbered, this piece comes with a matching certificate of authenticity. Embrace the Dark Side just make sure you don't step on one of his feet!
4. Ok, ok, here is a plug for that damn movie that is coming out in December, The Hobbit! Bilbo, Gandalf and Gollum have been turned into plush toys! Now Gollum can be your Precious and you can take him anyway! Just squeeze these dolls to your heart’s desire! I am sure Gandalf would like a good squeeze from some muscular gay geek! And if you don’t want to squeeze these plush toys with love, feel free to slap them around to vent that frustration you will feel against Peter Jackson for making what should have been one movie into three long movies! Next, these plush toys are so soft that you can hit yourself for being dumb enough to spend all that money to go watch three separate films iinstead of just reading the book or going out and buying the 1977 animated movie which covers the whhole book in just one shot!
5. Now the artistic gay sci-fi geeks, both male and females, can decorate their place with beautiful artwork depicting the Ladies of Battlestar Galactica! And I mean the much criticized Battelstar Galactica revamp which ended its run two years ago! I still cry at the last episode. This is not the Ladies of Battlestar Galactica from the 1970s. I am sure they didn't age so well. This is the Ladies of Galactica 1980. that was without a doubt the worst sequel TV series ever! Was there even enough ladies in that series to warrant a collection of art?? No, this are the ladies from the real Battlestar Galactica - Starbuck, Athena, Six and Rosslin. Each of them have been recreated in portraits in the style of some acclaimed masters, Tamara de Lempika, Gustav Klimt, William-Adophe Bouguereau and John Singer Sargent! Who are these artists? I don’t know who these artists are (the last time I was in an art gallery was like five years ago) but they sure did good work! Look them up! Personally, I like the portrait of Rosslin sitting in a stone chair reading from the book of Pythia but I posted the Starbuck painting because she is sexier and both guys and girls want her!
6. Make your gay geek feel strong, powerful, green and radioactive! Turn him into a monster! Give him a pair of Godzilla plush slippers! Once he puts them on, he will feel big enough and mean enough that he can stomp Tokyo to the ground! Smash those little people running around in fear. He will make a bloody smear out of the guy who rejected him last night at the bar! That's how I get over rejection which is often. It's how I ruined most slippers, they just can't keep with all the smashing, flattening that I often do. Destroy, pummel, smash! This will boost his confidence, his bravado and his machismo. Don’t be surprised that once he dons these green lizard plush slippers that he starts roaring like Godzilla and starts to spit out atomic fire! Make sure you that geiger counter around just in case your geek starts to glow green in the dark.
7. Next year is going to be an orgasmic year for Whovians everywhere! It’s Dr. Who 50th Anniversary! Yes that crotchety old man has traveled through time and space and into our imaginations and hearts for fifty years. What better way to celebrate such a momentous birthday but with the Monopoly Board Game – Doctor Who’s 50th anniversary edition. This very special 50th Anniversary Doctor Who Monopoly features all your favorite heroes, villains, monsters, planets and places. Travel through Time and Space with the Doctor and his companions, visit (and buy) the planets and places that he has visited or saved, and get some help from allies along the way! All new game tokens are made in the shapes of memorable objects from the Whoniverse! Let your gay geek whip out his sonic screwdriver and play to his heart’s content!
8. For the Whovian gay geek who has a second life as a computer techie, here is the Dr. Who Tardis 4 port USB Hub for you! This little blue box, almost 5 inches (an average size that lots of gay Whovians are used to handling), is really an immense multi-dimensional starship capable of ludicrous speeds and it sits benignly on your desk, acting as a mere conduit of digital information for the computer. 480 megabits per second of data are shared amongst its four USB 2.0 ports along the base. Press the panel on the face, and the blue-glowing light pulsates and the Tardis' engine fires up. Don't worry, while the engine grinds away, the Tardis is stuck in time so it stays put - we don't want any accidental paradoxes, thank you. It even comes with a time-traveling sound! Believe me, your gay geek will just stare at this TARDIS and will be totally oblivious of his computer even if it was streaming live porn. Now you can upload your porn into your computer with the help of the TARDIS!!!
9. On those cold mornings, keep your geek's feet warm and cozy with a pair of Tribbles slippers! Oh those pesky hairballs! The Tribbles had only one appearance in the original run of Star Trek but those horny furballs made their mark in Star Trek history. Now your geek can own two Tribbles for his very own. What was that you asked? Weren't the Tribbles notorious for being horny little balls of hair that multiply faster than rabbits did? Won't two Tribbles overcome my geek's place? Yes they were hornballs but just place two of them on slippers then they will be content for the rest of their lives. They will lose all sexual libido but not your geek so don't worry about that. These slippers also make purring noises when your geek walks in them. Ain't that sweet!!!
10. Straight from the movies that made Sigourney Weaver a goddess to geeks comes the alien chestburster plush! That's right, once more you can know the pleasure of owning your very own Aliens Chestburster without the parasitic infestation or the resulting xenomorphic carnage! The Chestburster Plush is an officially licensed 20th Century Fox 1:1 scale replica of the original nymph-stage Xenomorph. Constructed of smooth velour that matches the color of the original design, the plush measures 48" in length. Inside, a wire runs from the head to the tail, allowing your geek to pose the Chestbuster just the way he/she wants it. Just imagine all the naughty and perverse poses that your geek can come up with this chestburster. It can even stand up on its own! Arms, teeth and inner jaws are all finely detailed. Your geek will feel as if he had an actual film prop.
11. How about getting your geek a classic sci-fantasy present? Get him the Robby the Robot action figure! Robby the Robot is from the classic 1956 classic movie Forbidden Planet. Robby set the mold from which all robots that came after follows. A loyal butler, a staunch defender, he even had a sense of humor. Your geek can now have it for himself. The robot s now available as a PVC Japanese retro-style figure that is both cool and cute! Standing 9' tall. Nine inches is not that much too hold, I am sure lots of geeks have the experience to handle 9 inches. Robby has five points of articulation which makes him very flexible. Now do not confuse this robot from the robot of Lost In Space. Totally different robots! Give your geek a piece of history.
12. Bring some childhood fantasy into your geek's life. The Chronicles of Narnia captured a child's imagintion, heart and wander with its stories! Now those Chronicles are captured in this statue of Mr. Tumnus. Mr. Tumnus, part man and part goat (that horny goat), finds himself in a confusing and desperate situation. He must choose between a fate worse than death by defying the White Witch or betray the trust of an innocent little girl, Lucy. In spite of his timid nature and fragile stature, Mr Tumnus finds courage and resolve within himself that he never imagined and has a pivotal part to play in the uprising against the Witch's rule. This Narnia Mr. Tumnus maquette is close to the final form the character takes in the film and has been cast directly off the original maquette used by the Weta Workshop team during the design phase. The accompanying booklet provides a detailed story of the maquette's design process. It measures approximately 17.5 inches H (445mm) x 8 inches W (203mm) x 7 inches L (178mm). Let's admit it what gay geek would not want a statue of a half naked hairy man in his bedroom!
Well that is it for the sci-fi section of this holiday gift guide. I am sorry if your particular sci-fi love is not posted on this guide but get over it! There is a lot to cover but let this guide serve as a starting point into the area of sci-fi fantasy. Coming up will be the last and final section of the guide that will cover that area that I must profess I am not familiar with, the world of the gay gamer, the gaymer!