We interrupt your day for a very important message from GeeksOUT: you hunties best be watching this season of RuPaul’s Drag Race because it is sickening up in here! We’re three weeks in and already there are long-standing feuds, deep dark secrets, art school roadkill, and more shade than you’d find in the shadow of Galactus (obligatory weekly geek-centric reference). So strap on your heels, tuck yourself in, and get ready for our weekly recap, brought to you by Kiki Pryde!
We now join episode 3, already in progress…
The queens enter into the workroom to find words from Serena ChaCha – aforementioned art school roadkill – “keep hearing light.” Whatever that means.
Oh, I’m sorry. Bearing light. Whatever that means. Smear that lipstick, Monica Beverly Hillz, and allow us to wash the confusing pretension that Serena forced on us before sashaying away. Good riddance!
After Monica smears away the lipstick and all bad memories of Serena, the other queens thank Monica for sharing the secret that she's a transwoman, and then shove her aside so they can ask Coco Montrese and Alyssa Edwards about their secret feud. The long-standing grudge has its roots in the Miss Gay America pageant, a drag pageant that Alyssa won years ago, but then had taken away. From the way the queens circle around this drama, we know that this is going to be a big storyline until all the backstabbing and sordid history comes to light.
Before they can get all their answers, the queens get some She-Mail from Ru, telling them to embrace their inner children to become the next drag superstar. No offense, gurl, but I do not want any of these foul-mouth hunties near children, ever. Can you imagine if Alaska or Detox was your babysitter, leaning over you in bed and reading you a bedtime story? Nightmares for days.
Thankfully, no children are to be harmed during the first challenge, which sees the queens pairing up for a Toddlers-and-Tiaras-inspired challenge for child-sized mannequins. As each team drags their little muffins down the mini-runway, the clear winner is Lineysha Sparx and Detox’s charge, Lil Pound Cake. With her middle finger raised high to the world and her catchphrase “You’re not my real dad and you never will be,” already on the lips of every queen worth her hairspray, Ru crowns Lil Pound Cake the next Junior Drag Superstar. Alaska’s excellent Rachel Zoe impression would earn her my Miss Congeniality award if I thought it was something the women in her family aspire to. Anyway…
Detox and Lineysha become leaders for yet another team challenge. Ugh, really? I had to side with Roxxxy Andrews earlier in the episode when she said, “No more groups. No. More. Groups.” From your overly glossed lips to Ru’s ears, hunty.
This week’s elimination challenge has the two teams creating a Children’s Show (really?) complete with a host, a secret word, a teaching segment, and a social message. This challenge sounds like such a snooze, I keep hoping that one of the team captains will be foolish enough to put Coco and Alyssa together on one team. Sadly we are not so lucky.
Over the next few minutes, the queens agonize over the drama of putting together their segments while I agonize over not being able to drink a cocktail while watching this episode. Miss Pryde’s got a burning sensation in her throat and antibiotics in her pocket. Womp. But a cocktail would make this part of the show go faster.
Honey struggles with writing material, Alyssa struggles with butching it up and then claims that her janky-toothed look makes her look like Willam Belli, the unfortunate Drag Race Season 4 contestant who vomited off the side of the runway and went home. Willam’s not completely unfortunate looking, and certainly nowhere near as botoxed-bordering-on-Lil-Kim as Miss Alyssa Edwards is. Sorry, queen, but bitches in glass houses…
Jumping ahead to the actual filming of the children’s shows, Alaska makes a HUGE mistake by appearing out of drag. Gurl, no queen is gonna win Drag Race unless she shows up in fierce drag for every single challenge and runway! What would your boyfriend, Sharon Needles, think? You and your farmer freckles disgust me. Next!
In Monica’s social lesson about shade, she neglects to nail her lines, despite them being written on the book she’s holding in her hands. Never has the all-important lesson from Paris is Burning seemed more appropriate: “Shade comes from reading. Reading came first.” Bitch, your lines are written down in front of you! Read the damn lines from the book or your shade lesson is gonna get lost. Seriously, these queens, I can’t even.
The other team starts out strong with Jinkx Monsoon channeling Jennifer Coolidge, but then makes the mistake of stepping all over Jade Jolie’s secret word segment. Jade, whose face is 90% mouth, remains ever the professional and restrains herself from swallowing Jinkx whole, but still blows the segment.
However, the real suckfest comes from Coco Montrese. Oh, Coco, I’ve seen you perform live and you are one fierce queen who can work it out! You give great face, your outfits are sickening, and you even make Nikki Minaj’s music bearable. But Coco’s performance as the ventriloquist dummy is offensively awful. She doesn’t know her lines, her character is sad, and her performance is listless. As someone who has been excited to see her since episode one, watching her fail makes me sweat and my hands shake. Or maybe it’s DTs. Stupid antibiotics.
Back in the workroom, the queens prepare themselves for the runway. The theme this week is Think Pink, and ooh, gurl, Miss Kiki is ready for some sickening fishiness from these queens.
But first, we get our top moment of the night: Coco and Alyssa finally have it out over the dissolution of their friendship. The confrontation has all the buildup of potential epic Drag Race drama, having been hyped since the opening scene of episode one. Though the payoff winds up being a little lackluster by those standards, it still gets in a few good points. Coco insulted Alyssa in a Facebook status update! Alyssa makes Coco cry because all the drama almost made Coco’s man run off! Alyssa doesn’t buy Coco’s tears and tries to give her Jennifer Lawrence’s Academy Award! Coco throws some dagger eyes, curses at Alyssa and storms off! Something tells me this isn’t the last we’ll see of this fight.
Out on the runway, Alaska redeems herself by throwing down the gauntlet hard in a fierce look that combines a couture coif, a wedding dress splattered in pink blood, and a pink gun prop that the ladies from Operation Pink would love. Snaps to Detox for serving up Faye Dunaway from the neck up and sexy beads and jiggle down below. Honorable mention goes to Jinkx for her Marie-Antoinette-inspired outfit topped off with that great wig her grandma bought, and that fan – to die for. Low marks for Vivienne Pinay for her Blandsville Ballerina and Honey Mahogany for her shapeless, unpinned toga. Ru sums up her frightfully bad look by calling it “Bed, Bath and Beyonce.” And Blech, hunty.
The queens retreat to the Interior Illusions Lounge while Ru, Michelle and Santino deliberate with Paulina Porizkova and Coco, whose insights as guest judges are way less than memorable.
When it comes time to award highest and lowest for the night, Miss Detox walks away with the crown for her sickening runway look, leading her team to victory, as well as a great turn as a giant cock. Monica and Coco end up in the bottom, lip-synching for their lives to the Pussycat Dolls. Oh, the horror. If a queen has to go out on Drag Race, she should at least get to go out on a halfway decent song and not to a chorus of “When I grow up, I wanna see the world / Drive nice cars, I wanna have boobies” where boobies rhymes with movies, kinda. Sigh.
Coco works it out, turning her babydoll dress into a cheerleading outfit with ruffled bloomers. Not the best look, but definitely better than Monica’s dress with a flowered collar right out of the winner’s circle at the Kentucky Derby. Plus, Monica just looks exhausted throughout her whole performance, understandably. In the past two episodes, she has lip-synched for her life twice and gone through the difficulty of coming out as a transwoman on a televised drag competition. Her performance lacks energy and it appears as though Coco will definitely stay. And when Ru rules, it is indeed Coco, shantay, you stay, and Monica, sashay away.
But Monica, you sashay away with pride, because we love you. It takes courage to live your truth on such a public stage, so you hold your head high, even if it is weighed down by that huge ball of hair atop that tiny head of yours, queen.
The incredible print of episode-winner Detox iCunt is by Geeks OUT friend and Manta-Man artist Chad Sell. Check out his other portraits of the queens on his website, here!