It feels almost inappropriate to even make light of our disastrous election. It feels disrespectful for me to write a funny piece about the election when nearly all my loved ones feel like their lives are in danger now that Hillary Clinton has lost the election (BUT FUCKING WON THE POPULAR VOTE). This is the world we live in now, I guess. We cannot let racism/sexism/homophobia/hatred be the norm. WE FUCKING CANNOT.
But, I guess, one of the ways we escape is through entertainment. I have been rewatching season 7 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer since the election (mostly because that’s where my boyfriend is finally up to) and it’s made me feel vaguely better and vaguely empowered (especially watching her speech from ‘Bring on The Night’ the night after the election).
Life has to go on but we cannot let the hate surrounding Trump’s campaign become the new normal. We cannot tolerate hate of any kind. So, I guess I wanted to write something that could help us escape for a moment (even if some of these are a little dark), while still talking about our current nightmare that is the 2016 election…
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Trump would’ve been running for mayor of Sunnydale. He would’ve been like a really sexist, racist version of The Mayor from season 3—but still just as demon-y. It’d been up to Buffy to run against him, once his other opponent was found drained of her blood, in this weird one-off season 7 episode. Trump would accuse Buffy of being a lesbian, stating, “Buffy’s relationship with her best friend is a little unnatural—I didn’t say it, but I’ve heard from lots of reliable sources. You know. She fights these supposed vampires but here she is, being such a nasty woman who prefers the company of lesbian witches to men. They’ve both got blood coming out of their…you know, wherever. None of her relationships work out, you know. It’s a huge deal whenever she dates a man.”
The First would appear to Buffy as Trump the night before the election to taunt her, where she would learn Trump was part of the undead (hence The First taking his form) and she’d proudly proclaim, “I’m gonna win.” She’d devise a plan to win the election along with The Scoobies and save Sunnydale from the evil grasps of Trump.
Buffy would then lose the election.
But it wouldn’t matter anyway once The First and the Turok-Hans made their presence known. Trump would then personally call Buffy, telling her she needed to do something once his homophobic aids (who never spoke but eerily resembled The Gentlemen) were slaughtered by The First’s Bringers. She’d then tell Trump, “Sorry, I’m just too busy bleeding from my—you know, wherever, to help you right now” and hang up on the demon mayor.
The episode would end with a Turok-Han smashing open the door to his office as he screeched in terror.
Instead of Voldemort, we get Trump. Instead of Bellatrix, we get Kellyanne Conway. The horcruxes are Ann Coulter, Katrina Pierson, Steve Bannon, Newt Gingrich, and Rudy Giuliani.
Chelsea Clinton contacts her childhood internet pal, Veronica, and hires her to help with an investigation of Comey, Trump, Mike Pence, and everyone else involved in the Republican presidential campaign. Veronica has a brief encounter with Kellyanne Conway where she tries to outsmart Veronica by talking about Clinton’s policies. Veronica stops her and says, “Can you even finish a sentence without mentioning Hillary Clinton? Oh and you dropped something.” Conway picks it up the piece of paper at their feet and reads it out loud, “Veronica Mars is smarter than—well, you know, that is just…that is just so rude.” Veronica blows her kiss as she walks past Conway.
Veronica would uncover all sorts of disgusting and depraved shit. Veronica would uncover illegal things had been going on for decade in Trump’s life and during his campaign. She reports all of the info and the sheriff refuses to release the evidence, for fear of backlash. Trump wins the election, and the episode ends with Veronica crying into her father’s arms.
Hillary’s plane would’ve crashed on the island, but her and her staff all would’ve survived. Robby Mook would’ve been shirtless a lot and Bill would’ve gotten drunk with Sawyer a lot. It would have been a season long sub-plot.
Hillary would give them all a rousing speech about her campaign and her need to get back to America so she could become the first female president and defeat Trump. With much help from Locke (who she often had constant, loud arguments with), Hurley, Jack, Kate, and Sawyer, she makes a deal with Charles Widmore that allows her and her campaign staff to use Widmore’s private helicopter to fly back to America and off the island for good.
In one of Jack’s flash forwards, it would’ve been revealed she did not win—as Jack walked through the rain, popped a pill, looked through the window of a bar, and saw a video Trump playing on a TV screen with the headline, “President Trump in new Twitter war with Lady Gaga.” Jack would sigh and keep walking.
Hillary, however, would’ve made a cameo in the final season. She would’ve been shown in the Sideways timeline, bring introduced as the current President of the United States on a TV screen in Sawyer’s precinct.
Marvel Cinematic Universe
Tony, Cap, and the Avengers assemble once more when they find out a man with ties to Hydra is running for president. They’re shocked when they find out it’s Donald Trump. Trump threatens to sue Stark if he ever releases the information—but before anything can be discussed, Natasha releases the info onto the internet because Trump tells her she looks like she’s gained some weight.
The info proves not only ties to Hydra and Red Skull, but Ultron, Loki, Crossbones, Mandarin, Thanos, and every white dude the Agents of SHIELD fought in the first few seasons. But, white people in America declare they feel safer with an unqualified man connected to nearly every supervillain ever as their president, than an overqualified woman who incorrectly used her email server. At Trumps’ inauguration, when he comes over to shake Captain America and Iron Man’s hands, Iron Man refuses, saying, “Hey, no, you don’t get to shake my hand. Please, fuck off.”
Trump spends the next four years telling all of his Twitter followers why the Avengers are actually “huge losers” and aren’t “real heroes.”
Jessica Jones would punch a hole in every one of his buildings whenever she caught herself walking by one of them.
Election World would be Delos’ separate park all about an election you can win, no matter what. The twist would be it’s the election 2016 and every guest takes the spot of Trump and the host Hillary, no matter how much more qualified and less hateful, always loses.
Maeve’s rebellion would’ve begun because she started remembering all the awful things Donald Trump had done.
A holodeck malfunction traps Guinan, Picard, Dr Crusher, Wesley, and Deanna Troi inside a recreation of the 2016 election from the planet Earth. At the first rally they’re stuck in, Picard gets into a physical fight with a man in a confederate flag T-shirt who catcalls the ladies. Troi passes out from all the hate she feels.
While miserable and waiting to be saved, Guinan and Troi discuss the racism involved in Trump’s campaign and how they can’t believe how backwards everyone was in 2016. “In this election, Hillary actually loses,” Picard , who knows his history, tells the group. Wesley then tells the group, “I mean, both candidates seem equally terrible, don’t they?”
Dr. Crusher leans across the table and slaps her son.
Data and Geordi La Forge eventually fix the issue and save the group from the holodeck/ election nightmare.
This would’ve been a prequel all about how the games started and been exactly like the 2016 election. Also, we would've seen a young blonde woman, who really resembles Katniss, writers an open letter for a website all about how you shouldn’t revolt.
The Suicide Squad would’ve been enlisted by Joe Biden to stop Trump. The team of anti-heroes would’ve uncovered Trump’s ties to Lex Luthor and even Joker.
Harley would’ve pleaded with them to let her and her bat have a “talk” with Trump. Amanda Waller would’ve stopped her and revealed she was actually working with Trump this whole time and they weren’t allowed to reveal any info they uncovered/stole.
The movie would then be nearly two hours of the actual 2016 election until the very end when Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman would accidentally level Star City (where the final debates were taking place) while battling Doomsday. Not a single member from either campaign would survive.
Lex Luthor would then hold and emergency conference and appoint himself the next President of the United States. His cabinet would have 50% less White Supremacists than Trump’s.
Flash, Arrow, and Supergirl would’ve uncovered awful secret connections Trump had to the destruction of Kyrpton and nearly every villain they’d fought during a special team-up episode. They would have delivered all their evidence to Cat Grant—who would’ve published it all, along with a tell-all about the time she met Trump and he tried to make a pass at her.
Trump would have gone to jail and Clinton (played by a sassy Kate Bosworth—a nod to Superman Returns) and her VP, Bernie Sanders (played by Tommy Lee Jones—a nod to Batman Forever), would’ve won the election.
American Horror Story
Hillary Clinton (played by Sara Paulson) would’ve actually participated in Spirit Cooking. She would have sold her soul to the sassy gay devil (played by Zachary Quinto) to try and defeat the cartoonishly evil man running against her, Donald Trump (played by Kathy Bates in a perfect wig and orange makeup). Lady Gaga (played by herself) would’ve moderated all the debates.
Trump would have then, at the last minute, sacrificed his children (played by sexed up, mostly nude Evan Peters, Nick Jonas, and Emma Roberts) to Krampus (played by a completely nude Finn Wittrock) in order to win the election. Quinto-Devil and Wittrock-Krampus eventually reveal they were teaming up the entire season to ensure Trump’s victory because of a pact they had made with evil demon Medusa (played by Angela Bassett). The season ends with the Devil, Krampus, Medusa, Mike Pence (played by Denis O'Hare), and Lady Gaga partaking in a bloody gang bang.
In the epilogue, months after the election, we see Clinton watching a video on her phone. She's sitting at a bar on a beach. The video on her phone says, “Breaking news" and a triumphant, smug Megyn Kelly (played by herself), announces, "President Trump has been impeached."
Clinton puts her phone down onto the bar, sips her pina coloda, and smiles.
Facebook: Ian Carlos Photography