While doing a promotional interview for her new show, The Crazy Ones, Sarah Michelle Gellar was, once again, asked about a Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. I wonder if she gets diarrhea every time someone asks her this question. SMG always tries to give a very polite, nuetral answer of "no"--unlike Emma Caulfield's kind of grumpy responses. But, to be fair, I'm sure they all get a little annoyed being asked constantly about Buffy. It was, after all, mostly just a job to them. This time, however, the lovely SMG responded with a sprinkle of "maybe." Her response was, "Joss and I always talk about [a movie]...But the thing with Buffy is that Buffy was a movie, and it ultimately didn't work as a film. And I mean, we had such miles to overcome when we were trying to do a TV show based on a movie. And one of the reasons is that the story works better over time. If there was ever the right story, we would do it." Well, as someone who has watched both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel all the way through countless times, knows every word to every song in "Once More with Feeling," cries every time he watches "Chosen" or "The Body" or "Innocence" or "The Gift" (you get the idea) and has read all the Angel, Buffy, Fray, Spike and Angel & Faith comics...I consider myself up to the task of telling you just how a Buffy movie could work (spoilers ahead for all of the things I mentioned above):
- Address Angel: So, Angel ends with the beginnings of a really awesome apocalypse. Angel: After the Fall kind of tells the story of what happened. I think it makes no sense that Buffy, Faith, Willow, Xander and every slayer ever wouldn't have showed up to help out Angel and crew. So, let's mostly forget Angel: After the Fall. The movie should begin where Angel ended. Rain pouring, Gunn bleeding, Illyria wanting to "do more violence" and then BOOM Slayers and company show up and kill everything. There's no way Buffy Summers wouldn't bring everyone to help fight this war. And there's no way they wouldn't win. The movie could then do a quick "ten years later" or however many years they want it to be jump. But, have it be an awesome battle scene. Maybe kill off a character like Gunn or a few newbie slayers? But that's absolutely where the movie should begin--even if it doesn't revolve around Buffy or Angel.
- Have Buffy Get Her Shit Together: Buffy Summers needs to have her shit together. She needs to have picked between Spike or Angel. My personal choice would be Spike--but, either way, just have her pick. If Joss could somehow introduce a new love interest and have us love him (and have him not turn evil or die)--then, that'd be fine with me too. Either way, she needs to pick someone. Even if it's at the end of the movie--just have her make up her mind. Also, give her a real person job. She deserves a happy ending. So, this also means making Dawn be happy...because, otherwise, Buffy wouldn't be happy.
- Cameos Galore: Have you seen the set photos from the Veronica Mars movie? They've brought back characters that I'd forgotten about (and Veronica Mars holds a special place in my heart along with other favorites like Buffy, pugs and comic books). So, do that with a Buffy movie. The Buffy episode "Lessons" has one of my favorite endings to any Buffy episode--a cameo from every Big Bad. Think that but on a much grander scale. I wouldn't mind there being some spirutal "Restless"-like journey Buffy (or whoever the main character is) has to go on and have cameos from special favorite Anya (sorry, Emma), Tara, Kendra, Cordelia, Miss Calendar...every dead character ever.
- New Main Character: Have there be a shit ton of new slayers. In fact, the entire movie could be from the perspective of a new slayer. If he or she is written by Joss, and Xander, Willow, Buffy, Dawn and everyone are just vaguely supporting characters--it could work. I'd watch a movie written by Joss about a new slayer that joins up with Kennedy and Buffy and trains with them. But, also, I'd watch anything done by Joss (I even watched all of Dollhouse). I wouldn't be opposed to a Billy the Vampire Slayer movie that co-stars SMG, Alyson Hannigan and crew. Or a movie based off the Angel & Faith comic with the same co-stars. This bullet point is clearly optional.
- Don't negate the Comics: I know I know, I said to basically negate Angel: After the Fall--but, that's because it's fairly terrible. Buffy Season 8 turned into complete nonsense, but Season 9 has been legit good--I loved the Billy story arc. And Angel & Faith is so good I'd read it even if it weren't about characters I already loved. The movie could begin with the ending of Angel and then jump however many years in the future that is convenient for it to still make sense with the comic books.
- Joss: Because, well, duh. I don't want to see a God damned Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie not written by Joss. I don't want to see ANY Vampire Slayer movie without it being done by Joss.
So, Joss--if you or SMG or anyone have any questions about how to do a movie, feel free to email me. And before this turns into some weird fan fiction, I'll end this list.