Last time: Winter’s Discontent
I’ve been shoveling peanut butter pretzel nuggets, watching Big Mouth, trying to think of how to word this finale. Every week I need a god damned thesaurus so I can find new ways to say, “This show is bad.”
The finale began with Kai in prison and I found myself wondering, “How did the last episode end? Did it end with him going to jail?" I genuinely couldn’t remember?
So, we find out that Kai is in jail because of Ally. After she found out one of his favorite goons was wearing a wire, she killed him. She killed him for seemingly no reason whatsoever. It didn’t advance the plot or Ally’s character or make any sense—why would she kill someone who could’ve been an ally in her takedown of Kai? Was it because she killed Ivy and he knew? Was it because she’s just as bad as everyone else which has always been the point of this season? Ally suddenly has the FBI raid Kai’s house while she gets out safe. We then, through another fuckin’ flashback, learn she was in cahoots with the FBI since Ivy had her committed, which like sure.
For some reason, Ally doesn’t throw Beverly under the bus—which is kinda good since Beverly was maybe the most interesting character this season and earlier we got a scene where she asked Ally to kill her, to put her out of her misery. But when everyone is a murderer, who are we supposed to feel bad for? I don’t know and I doubt Ryan Murphy knows or even cares.
So, in the ‘present’ timeline, we find Ally running her restaurant and business is booming. She’s considered a hero and a survivor and all that. She even politely turns down a selfie with a customer who tells her what a hero she is. It’s all very heavy handed but well duh of course it is.
Beverly swings by for a visit and seems to be hinting that she knows Ally killed Ivy but literally nothing comes of that. Ally has a new girlfriend and soon decides to run for office. Her and Beverly become quick pals—even though they had about zero interaction prior to this episode. But, shared trauma creates a bond and whatnot. It’s unclear if Beverly is Ally’s security or campaign manager or just a friend, but she’s helping Ally run for office and the Hillary comparisons are enough to make you want to ask Ryan Murphy to step outside with you. Meanwhile, Kai is in prison recruiting all types for his cult including a female security guard (which is important later).
Ally voted for Jill Stein and her campaign shows it – she refers to both Democrats and Republicans as cults. She is, one assumes, running as an independent even though it’s not explicitly said. The whole episode is a weird epilogue—in the same way Asylum’s last episode was but not nearly as satisfying or well done as Asylum’s was. In fact, they even mention that Ally turned down an interview with Lana Winters aka Asylum’s badass Final Girl.
Kai breaks out of jail, mostly due to the help of the female security guard he’d been sleeping with. Ally says some “let’s finish this” bullshit to Beverly when she finds out Kai has escaped prison. Ally debates her political opponent, dressed in her best Hillary pantsuit and Kai arrives and is handed off a gun by the female security guard.
He then goes on stage to shoot Ally—he wants revenge. But the gun isn’t loaded and we get another god damned flashback to Ally and the female security guard plotting against Kai. At what point did Ally become aware of this guard’s relationship with Kai? Not that it matters but how in the hell did Ally Sherlock Holmes that one?
Ally tells Kai to fuck off (and uses some words Ryan Murphy learned by scrolling through Twitter twice) and Beverly steps up and shoots Kai in the head, on stage at the debate. It’s a moment that’s supposed to be gratifying but just feels tired. Ally had an arc that almost exclusively took place off-screen and in flashbacks. We never got to see the moment she became this strong Final Girl. Instead, she was institutionalized and we saw none of her development and she came out with bloodlust and sigh.
The closing scene, after Ally puts Oz to bed—her son who was her whole reason for all the havoc she created whom we hadn’t seen all episode—she looks in the mirror and puts on the same cape Lena Dunham’s Solanas Zodiac Killer group wore because I’m pretty sure Ryan Murphy just hates women. Why not keep Frances Conroy’s character alive, and at least have her be Ally’s new mentor and just hint at the devious things rather than having Ally literally put on a spooky cult cape?
Anyway, the evil has been defeated—this season is over. Go on, my children. Bask in not having to watch this show again.
Most American Part: Ally getting away with lots of murders.
Most Horror Part: Kai cutting that inmates face off, so he could escape prison.
Most Story Part: NOTHING
Most Ryan Murphy Part: Ally using “nasty woman” and “mansplain” the same way your out-of-touch parent might. Also, remember how the whole season started out being about killer clowns and the only clown we saw was the toy Oz had at the end?
Grade: C, but I’d give the overall season a D+