AHS Cult Ep 9 Recap: Murder, She Wrote

Last time: The Reverse Handmaid's Tale


So, this episode starts off very slow. We got a whole episode dedicated to Andy Warhol and his would be assassin, Valerie Solanas—yet this one gave us a quick opening recap of Jim Jones, David Koresh, and leader of Heaven's Gate cult, David Applewhite (I somehow didn’t know his name until I watched this episode). If we were going to get one full episode of a cult, it seems like any of those might’ve been more appropriate choices? Ryan Murphy could’ve even done some stunt casting making Lena Dunham play fuckin’ David Koresh for yucks/Emmys. Although, I do have to say, the part where everyone drinks the kool-aid and is dying was a bit brutal. Of course, one of the cult members, in his white jammies and during storytime, then asks Kai, "Wait, are we in a cult" and I just...

So, then we get to the women kinda sorta banding together—which seemed to be the whole entire fucking point of the Warhol/ Solanas episode….but that lasts for about half the episode. And it’s only the White Woman. Bev kicks the shit out of Winter for lying the moment she sees her, which felt good to watch. But, also, why hasn’t Kai killed Bev yet? Maybe there’s something going on there? Eh.

Kai’s sure stepped up his Homoerotic White Supremacist Boi gang, hasn’t he? Every one of his goons looks like someone featured on Mormon Boyz and I’m part of the problem because I’d probably sleep with any of them (as long as they weren’t, ya know, part of a clown faced white supremacists murder gang). But I tire of his homoerotic antics—either take the fuckin’ ticket or stop waving it in front of my face.

So, Kai brings everyone into his basement. Ally and Ivy hold each other and cry. Snooze. He then makes everyone, quite literally, drink his Kool-Aid. I actually thought this was gonna be our big “half the cast dies” scene but it was not—Kai actually had a sensible thought and joked about how it was just legit Kool-Aid because he needs their votes for when he ran for Senate. This, of course, is after he has Chaz Bono shoot one of his boiz who won't drink the Kool-Aid. Ivy and Ally seemed to be getting back together—and even seemed to be joining forces with Winter.

Quickly we learn Winter is on her murderous brother’s side, which I didn’t even see coming because he murdered their other brother right in front of her. But, clearly Wednesday Addams isn't pressed about any of her family members being murdred and like, okay sure. Her character is so back and forth and Ryan Murphy really thinks this is good writing but it’s not—it makes the character a blank slate.

But none of this matters. The entire episode is building up to the last 20 or so minutes. Which, I can honestly say, were fucking fantastic. Finally, after 8 episodes of caca nonsense and misleading twists—we came to the very thing I wanted.

Because that’s what the show is all about, pleasing me me ME.

Ally has Ivy over for dinner after they leave Oz in Kai’s care because there was no other option—one of Kai’s homoerotic goons had a gun. And, Kai believes himself to be Oz’s father. He pinky promised on that—so the ladies believe Oz is safe for now. During the scene, Ivy says it’s a “new start” for them. But Ally isn’t eating any of the food she cooked and I found myself thinking, Please let this happen, please let this happen.

A thing you should know about me: I love revenge and I love a comeuppance. Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Kathryn Merteuil from Cruel Intentions, Courtney from Jawbreaker, The Bride from Kill Bill, Sarah Paulson’s character from AHS: Asylum—all these characters exacted revenge/got a perfect comeuppance and I fucking loved it.

Ally realized the same thing about her ex that I did—if someone is mad at you about your depression or mental health, then they are part of the god damned problem. I, however, didn’t poison anyone. But, hey, this is American Horror Story and not American Realistic Story! So, while Ally doing some Kill Bill sword fighting might’ve seemed too out of character, her becoming stronger and pushing through her suicidal thoughts and anxieties to seek revenge on the woman who scorned is really fucking gratifying to watch on screen and felt at least somewhat organic. Watching Ivy laugh and say she’s not afraid of Ally and have Ally reply, “I put arsenic in your pasta and wine,” was just god damned gratifying, words almost escape me.

I screamed when Ally looked Ivy in the eyes, as she ‘s spitting up blood, and said, “I want to watch you die.” This season is finally taking the turn I’ve been wanting it to take all season. I just wish Ally had gotten to this point sooner and also hadn’t fuckin’ voted for Jill Stein—but I guess we all can’t be perfect (WHICH IS LIKE THE POINT RIGHT). Sarah Paulson is finally getting to do the acting she deserves to be doing and I’m really looking forward to where these last few episodes go.

Oh, and then Ally goes to the clinic where Kai insists he donated sperm and became Oz’s father, and finds out he’s not Oz’s father. She has him over for dinner and tells him he is. He says how awesome he is and helps her dispose of Ivy’s body (by hiding it in the bedroom with his other dead family members). I hope Ally and Bev have a superfriends team up and dispose of the entire cult together.

Most American Part: Kai screaming “Fake News” at Ozymandias when he tells Kai he’s wrong about the Heaven’s Gate cult going to heaven.
Most Horror Part: Them throwing Ivy’s body into the same room as Kai and Winter’s other dead family members.
Most Story Part: Ally’s badass revenge plot.
Most Ryan Murphy Part: The homoerotic cult sleepover storytime party.

Grade: B (the highest grade of the season)

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on November 1, 2017

Buffy Summers in her prom dress holding two pugs.