AHS Cult Ep 6 Recap: The One Where Colton Bottoms


Last time: A View From The Attic

Like last week, I’m going to start this week’s recap with a compliment—this season is starting to pick up. I worry if it doesn’t go exactly where I want it to, I’m going to be really annoyed…just like how I’m constantly annoyed with my life HA HA HA HA ha ha I’m having a time.

So, I watched the ‘edited’ version of this episode, they cut out an apparently graphic shooting scene from the beginning of the episode due to the events in Las Vegas. I am curious what they cut, considering we circle back to this scene at the very end and we see mostly everyone get shot?

But, okay, so they arrest Ally and Kai is laying on the ground and you’re all, “Oh good, is the season over now? Ally killing Kai is the point, right?” But it’s all a trick—just like everything else on this show. A poorly done trick.

But, honestly, aside from that 15 minute sequence where Kai spent a lot of time making real homoerotic, intense eye contact with Billy Eichner that culminated in him jerking off in front of Eichner—this episode has maybe been the best so far? It was also really frustrating. But things did happen. Ally had an almost too sudden character change where she seemed to become Lana from s2 and looked like she was going to start doing something. She saves Meadow (who has been a fun character). I even text my friend I watch the show along with and said, “I’d really love seeing Ally and Blonde Chick join forces and murder this entire clown cult together.” But then Ally brings Meadow to her psychiatrist, Dr Cheyenne Jackson, whom we all know works with the clown cult but we have never seen interact personally with any of them but his siblings, Kai and Wednesday Addams. So it’s unclear if Meadow and the Handsome Doctor even know each other. Oh and the most important thing that happened: while rescuing Meadow, Ally sees Billy Eichner topping Colton Haynes and you’re dam fucking right I rewound that scene a few times. Even Ally, through terrified eyes, takes a second glance.

So, a random blonde woman stands up to Kai during his town hall debate. A woman who then announces her candidacy—a woman who kinda seems like she could be the Hillary Clinton stand-in? A woman I found myself hoping to be the Hillary Clinton stand-in. She tells Kai that he and Trump aren’t the garbage, they’re just the flies that the garbage attracts. She is who Ally runs to after leaving Meadow with her psychiatrist (which it seems awfully stupid of her to trust if she so quickly believes her wife is part of a murderous clown cult). Ally runs to her and I found myself worried Ally was gonna accidentally shoot this woman (how many episodes ago was that again? 8? 5? 85?). But no, the woman rolls a joint and immediately believes Ally—she’s cool and seems like she can help so it’s no shock when the Clown Brigade bursts in.. Ryan Murphy makes you like this lady just in time for the clown cult to roll up and murder her while Ally HIDES IN THE GOD DAMNED BATHROOM. Kai even makes a fake suicide post from this woman’s fb page. Sigh.

A clown hears Ally yelp from the bathroom and goes to check it out—Ally recognizes the bodyshape (GIRL I GUESS) of the clown and calls out to her wife. Her clown masked wife (this god damned show) silently shuts the door, saving Ally’s life. Points for Clown Ivy? I Guess? No…just wait a second…

We also find out Ivy’s pinky promise with Kai was about how she hated her wife since Ally was the one who gave birth to their son, Oz. She felt Ally held it over her head that Ally was the birth mother and she wasn’t. She also couldn’t stand Ally’s neurosis and basically victim blames Ally for her depression and anxiety (SOUNDS LIKE MY EX, AMIRITE). So we officially hate Ivy (see, this is getting closer to my master plan for this show).

I’m curious to see where this story goes, because it seems to have ::GASP:: direction—something normally unheard of in a Ryan Murphy show. But, who knows, next week Kai, Ally, and Ivy could suddenly get flattened by an alien spaceship named MurderHouse (OMGZ SEE CONNECTIONS).

We then learn Meadow is in on everything…or, well, not everything? Her and Kai make a sideplot after Kai fools Billy Eichner and Handsome Colton Haynes into thinking they’ve killed Meadow. They don’t kill Meadow but her and Kai did plan her saving at the hands of Ally. I’m not quite sure who was in on that part, but I think that was all just Meadow and Kai’s super secret solo part.

Meadow is the one who walks into Kai’s rally and starts shooting. Ally arrives a little too late because of course and Ivy is wearing a super cute leather jacket. Ally then seems to waste a lot of time yelling for Meadow to put down the gun before she grabs it from her (aya know, fter she’s shot everyone)—but not before Meadow can tell Ally, “This is what real love looks like” or whatever before blowing her brains out.

The police arrive and handcuff Ally, Kai is carted off in a stretcher, smiling.

I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY/UNHOLY, IF WE DON’T GET A STRING OF REVENGE PORN EPISODES OF ALLY MURDERING EVERYONE WITH AN AXE…

Most American Part: Meadow asking for a cappuccino while her and Ally are hiding out in Ally and Ivy’s restaurant.
Most Horror Part: The scene with the woman being held down and shot while stupid Ally hides in the bathroom.
Most Story Part: Ally has learned not to trust a bitch.
Most Ryan Murphy Part: Colton Haynes being the bottom.

Grade: C


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on October 11, 2017

Buffy Summers in her prom dress holding two pugs.