AHS Cult Ep 4 Recap: Men Dot Com's AHS

Last time: What Happened

You know what’s not a fun thing to rewatch? Election Night 2016. And in this fourth episode, we get to rewatch it for a 2nd god damned mother fucking time this season.

The entire cast of whacky AHS cartoon pals are back and all in line to vote. We even see women in those pink pussy hats yelling about grabbing back before Emma Roberts shows up to say something HA HA HA LIKE SO FUNNY AND MEAN. I can’t decide if Emma Roberts only has one note or if Ryan Murphy is just obsessed with that one note and told her for this season, “Do the same thing you’ve done every season, but this time you’re a...hm, school girl? Teacher? Model? Scientist? No no, this time you're a reporter.”

We finally (who wanted this) get to see who all our characters voted for:

A bloody, newly armless (it doesn’t matter why but you find out at the end) Chaz Bono votes for Trump.
Kai votes for (duh) Trump.
Wednesday Addams votes for Clinton.
Ivy and Ally say how they’ll vote for Clinton—Ivy is very clear about no protest votes and Ally does the dickhead thing and throws her vote into the void aka votes for Jill Stein.
Ivy votes for (duh) Clinton.
Beverly, the news reporter (and arch enemy to Emma Roberts) who we’d only kind of seen in previous episodes, votes for Clinton.
Billy Eichner’s beard wife Meadow writes in Oprah.
Scooby Doo votes for Fred Flinstone.
Emma Roberts, after saying she’s voting Clinton, votes Trump.
Billy Eichner votes for…I don’t quite recall because shortly after there’s a really really homoerotic scene and I’m not happy about how damp it made me. Kai gets all intense and crazy and tells Billy Eichner he’s part of his tribe and likes pussy but will handle a friend with a hard-on and it’s like Men dot Com’s American Horror Story: My Stepdad Is A Clown-faced Trump Supporter.

And after that back and forth where I’m hoping to a god I don't believe in that Eichner will plow Kai in the gym shower, Eichner walks in on Kai jerking off in the shower, they make prolonged eye contact, and then Eichner kills his mean boss under Kai’s guidance and blahblahblah. Eichner joins the cult after Kai says “bigly” and I pray for death.

Which reminds me, last Friday a guy kept hitting on me (a gay man), another gay male friend, and a straight lady friend. He told us he was bi, in the military, visiting from Texas, and thought we were all hot. I’m a single sad Hot Topic gay who requires validation so I was more than happy to makeout with this tall drink of Texas.

After he madeout with all of us I realized his shirt said ‘TEXAS’ on it (CLUE NUMBER ONE, VERONICA MARS). My friends and I were seated at the bar but turned to face him and the guy was standing facing us—then someone behind Texas said, in a sassy tone, “You’re not from here are you?"

“I’m from Texas, why?”

“I assumed from your shirt,” they gay man said, pointing at whatever was on the back. That’s when I asked to see the back of his shirt and, I shit you not, it said, Don’t take my freedom, my speech, or my guns. I groaned and immediately thought if this were a scene from this season of AHS, a clown would show up and kill me at any moment.

Then he went to kiss me again and I asked him, “Wait, before you kiss me—who did you vote for?”

“It doesn’t matter, I didn’t mail out my ballot in time.”

“No, it still matters,” I said, already knowing what the answer would be. “Who’d you vote for?”

“Well,” he said, shaking his head, “Trump, of course.”

“Don’t kiss or touch me again,” I said, giving him my back.

My two friends kept talking to him while I refused to because this is my life.

So, while I wanted to watch Eichner bang Kai in the gym, I also wanted Eichner to be like, “I’m a gay man and you’re a Trump supporter—fuck you” (but maybe after they’d banged).

The episode was honestly interesting and maybe, dare I say, good for the 15 minutes or so we spent finding how Kai recruited Eichner. Murphy can write gay men and, it seems, only gay men. That was the best part of this episode and I was pretty surprised at how good Eichner was.

The second best thing about this episode was we didn’t have to watch another montage of Ally crying or much of Ally at all. Everything else was heavy handed caca nonsense and felt rushed. The big reveal of Ivy working with Wednesday Addams felt so stupid and so obvious. But not as stupid as Wednesday Addams yelling, “Get woke” at Chaz Bono and I don’t think my eyes will ever stop rolling at this show. It still makes no sense that Ivy would join Kai's cult but that has yet to be explained (other than her connection via Wednesday Addams) and who knows if it even will be. We also get to watch Emma Roberts say more mean things before getting murdered on camera while holding a puppy much to her reporter co-worker/arch-enemy, Beverly's, benefit. Beverly (a black woman) then discusses race with Kai (a white male Trump supporter) and joins his cult because fucking sure—Ryan Murphy just does quick scan of Twitter before he writes scenes about race and it’s fairly embarrassing.

Do you think Wednesday Addams and Ivy have cuddled in bed and read What Happened aloud to each other yet? This show is so stupid I can’t even handle it. Ivy, the only likeable character (and Allison Pill seems to be the one of the few people on the show who isn’t dead behind the eyes), is now part of the cult and I’m not sure what the point of this all is. Is our Jill Stein voter Ally going to have a moment of realization that she threw away her vote and then kill everyone in the cult?

::fart noise::

Most American Part: the election day voting montage
Most Horror Part: the election day voting montage
Most Story Part: Ivy and Wednesday Addams being on cahoots the entire time because sure
Most Ryan Murphy Part: The fact that, while watching this episode, I couldn't remember if it was the 3rd, 4th, or 5th episode because I feel like I've just always been watching this show and never won't be watching it

Grade: C+

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Twitter: @ianxcarlos

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on September 27, 2017

Buffy Summers in her prom dress holding two pugs.