Things that Go “Yaaasss” in the Night: Surviving the Summer

Ah, summer camp. A time for making new friends, discovering your sexuality and escaping machete wielding maniacs exacting revenge upon you and your friends. Outlasting the monster in the woods is a herculean task. A good weapon is key but many unwitting teenagers forget one of the most important tools for summer camp survival. Proper attire.

Whether honing your archery skills or running from a deformed psycho, nothing will help you beat the heat or beat the villain more than… (Are you ready for it?)

“Thank goodness for my increased mobility or I might have been impaled!”

Short shorts!!

Any true camper, and fighter of nightmares, knows that in order to survive you have to be as quick and agile as possible. Old-fashioned pants just don't make that possible. Who wants to run through the forest screaming in heavy, clammy blue jeans? Both practical and comfortable, a good pair of short shorts will take you from fun-filled days to blood curdling nights all without breaking a sweat.

Don’t believe me? Just look at these camp counselors.

The guy on the right is doing it wrong and I don’t know what the hell Dorothy Hamill in the back there is doing.

Short shorts are the perfect clothing for preparing the cabins, clearing the campgrounds, and willfully ignoring young campers so you can smoke a doobie and touch private parts.

Take a gander at these crazy kids.

Mustache man on the left literally can’t even.

Look at the beaming smiles and joyful eyes that only comes from exposing your pasty upper thighs. If not for their impending murders, this would be a golden memory captured in time.

Short shorts are great for athletics as well. Like this sportsball game.

I’m not convinced he ever went to college.

Or this other sportsball game.

Side ponytail optional.

Or whatever this sportsball is.

The coach may be enjoying this moment a bit too much.

(Disclaimer: I might not know anything about sports.)

Whether you're working hard not protecting kids at the beach.

No...I can't explain that hat. I won’t even try.

Or having a rooftop kiki.

Fun fact: The guy on the left went on to dance in a national tour of A Chorus Line. (That might not be true.)

Your short shorts are so versatile they work for all occasions!

Are you a virtuous virgin destined for final girl victory?

The secret to full bodied hair? Terror. Pure terror.

A liberated vixen almost certain to die due to outdated puritanical views on women and sexuality?

The mouse is ironic

Or just your average murderous bitch intent on humiliating the school weirdo?

"Bring me my pig's blood!!!"

Regardless of what kind of female archetype you fall under, short shorts are the perfect choice for your summer wardrobe.

But fellas, don't despair! Short shorts are great for men as well!

For the lake!

“What’s shrinkage?”

For manly wood chopping!

If an otter dies in the woods, does anyone care?

For whatever the hell this himbo is doing!

"These would look great on my bedroom floor!"

I don't even have a reason to share this pic!!!

"Too much right? Is it the collar? Or the shorts? It's the collar right? Shut up! Look at your headband!"

Look at this sexy, handsome and also sexy man here. His name is Mark.

Mark (AKA The Reason I'm Queer)

Mark isn’t wearing short shorts.

Not the face! Not his sexy, gorgeous and also sexy face!!! You bastards!!!

Poor Mark!!! I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure (not actually sure at all) that if Mark had been wearing a nice pair of cut-off jeans then his sexy, gorgeous and also sexy face would still be intact.

Now look, I know what you're thinking. Just because you wear short shorts doesn't mean you are going to survive a summer camp massacre, right? Most likely all of you, save one, will be cruelly eviscerated. But do you really want to take that chance?

This summer, stay cool and fashionable all while escaping deadly terror with a trusty pair of short shorts!

“What? Camouflage will help me hide from the killer!”

Also, maybe try a midriff.

chance47's picture
on August 12, 2016

Benji is a horror loving, comic reading, sci-fi watching queer geek. His love for nostalgia knows no limits. He is typically found drinking diet Dr. Pepper.