Teen Wolf 3x01 - Tattoos and Other Open Wounds

Sweet! Evidently no one at GeeksOut has a hankering for recapping Teen Wolf, so I get to give it a go! And boy howdy, is it a good episode to start off on!!!!

So let’s start at the top, the recap! We get three big facts:
1. Scott is a werewolf who doesn’t like lycanthropy, and Derek is its sales rep.
2. Scott and Allison are sad that they are not having the dating.
3. The non-Bel Ami wolves, Boyd and Erica, got cornered by this seasons Big Bad at the beginning of summer break.

So, now that we’re all up to speed, the cold open! A mysterious girl, hereafter called The Girl, who I was SO SURE was the cool guidance counsel/mystic hunter, Ms. Morrell, until I went back and actually watched some scenes with her, is bringing Isaac back from the dead with a little jumper cable defibrillation! (Editor’s Note: Shirtless Boy Count: 1) Evidently they’ve been in a fight with some Alphas who decided to steal Isaac’s memories of the fight? During the fight? By casually reaching over and dipping into the back of his neck? And not snapping it? Meh, maybe these wolves are just Rogue fanboys.

Motorcycle chase! Bad CGI! The Alphas (Yup, two! The twin(k)s arrive early this episode!) must get, like, preternaturally long legs because their legs aren’t moving faster than a normal humans, but they’re keeping up with a motorcycle. We see some classic motorcycle stunts and then Isaac loses consciousness and unbalance the bike! (Editor’s Note:Good job, Isaac.) But then we forgive him because this makes the twins take off their shirts! (Why? Because Teen Wolf. [Editor’s Note: Good job, Isaac! Shirtless Boys Count: 3!!]) And then the twin(k)s do something awesome:
 

That’s right, like a couple of mini-cassette Combiners or the Muppet Babies impersonating an adult, the twin(k)s can turn into a GIANT DADDY by smushing their bodies together! (Editor’s Note: Hot [Editor’s Editor’s Note: Gross {Editor’s Editor’s Editor’s Note: Hot}]) Now we know, two twinks equals one daddy, QED!

Anyway, The Girl tases the the Big Bad Daddy (BBD) and splits and the twin(k)s mysteriously vanish to lick each other’s their wounds.

THEME SONG!!!! Or, as my subtitles say, DRAMATIC MUSIC! Let’s see what clues we can glean!
1. Scott can now levitate.
2. Allison has had no character development.
3. Something about people rising from the dead? But we already had a zombie Alpha last season!
4. Stiles is the wheels.
5. Derek is a powdered donut. Nummy...
6. Lydia continues to feel lost and be the scream. Yawwwwwn. Give my girl some ass to kick! She is the Black Canary of terrified coeds!!!
7. Tattoos are going to be very important, and very boring.
8. That sexy girl in the mud musta been hella expensive to shoot. Either that or, due to Title 9, this show has to have a shirtless girl at SOME point.

Meanwhile, in CGI city, the Rudimentals are singing to Scott McCall as he gets a way boring tattoo. Stiles makes a joke about the Kanima, thereby re-cementing his position as everyone’s favorite character with his second line. Then he faints. #toocute #stilesisperfect

Afterward, Stiles ices his injured head and Scott’s tattoo heals because DUH SCOTT WHY DID STILES EVER LET YOU SPEND MONEY ON INJURYING A BODY WITH A HEALING FACTOR???? Stiles says, “Thank God, I hated it.” Stiles Stalinski: Voice of the People.

Lydia and Allison are going on a double date. Allison is not interested: she’s a celibate nun who spent the summer totally not doing French boys in France. Lydia is SO READY FOR DATING again. Jackson went to werewolf summer school, everything was rainbows and kittens, and then his dad sent him to Star City London. Which leads to Lydia’s best line of the episode: “Seriously? An American werewolf in London? Like that’s not going to be a DISASTER.”

God, I’m so happy that Lydia FINALLY knows about werewolves.

The boys drive up next to them and Stiles first cute, then awkward, then weird, then everybody stops their cars in the middle of the road, then a deer runs through the windshield of Lydia’s car. Why Scott’s semi-commune with nature moment is suh duhmb, I love that this scene started out as pure exposition and ended with one of Teen Wolf’s awesome, mood-setting, horror movie scenes. The real strength of this show, IMO, lies in moments like this, when it illustrates its committment to quality chills and horror movie magic, in addition to its surfeit of quality chiseled abs and Stiles-everything.

Meanwhile, Scott’s mom also stops being useless this season and gets to work being the den mother (you’re welcome) at the hospital, though she juuuust misses The Girl calling Scott “the Alpha.”
The next morning, Scott does one handed pull ups while reading Call of the Wild and learning his word of the day, ephemeral. OKAY SCOTT WE GET IT YOU’RE PERFECT UGH. The word of the day really resonates with Scott: dude, his tattoo was totally almost as ephemeral as the $200 bucks it cost to totally get it!! UGH.

Allison is not enthused about school. Also, she has a whole new room? I guess her dad was all, “You can totally have the master bedroom! What with your mom being totally dead because of your boyfriend, I can just sleep in your tiny closet of a room! That will help you sleep at night right?” (I know they probably changed the house because the show is shooting on the west coast now, but c’mon!) ANYWAY, Blue Eyes (her dad) tells her she doesn’t have to go to school due, she can stay at home forever (Aw, </3, hurting-dad) but she’s all, “I’ll go, even though I’m totally getting a Pete Lattimer about today!”

Stiles is in full on Scooby mode trying to solve the mystery of the Suicidal Deer, so his dad drags his chair away and Stiles... falls on the floor (Editor’s Note: Stiles Falls: 2!).

Lydia is looking totes prec as she gets ready for school and tries on... her new giant leather coat? Oh, nope, it belongs to her trick, Eight Abs, who, unfortunately, has two WHOLE LINES that his waxing has NOT prepared him for. Guessing we (and Lydia) will never be seeing him again! Now, how can I get a position on this casting couch...? (Editor’s Note: Shirtless Boys Count: 4!)

Scott parks his new motorbike next to the Alpha twin(k)s matching, expensive motorcycles, Stiles reminds us that Boyd and Erica are missing (Yeah, we saw the catch-up, Stiles.), and the new gay British principal is shocked to find a claymore in his desk. Allison wants to become a better person while she’s single, Lydia wants to do a better person (even if he’s a FRESHMAN!), and the Alpha twin(k)s fall under into her sights.

Isaac and Mrs. McCall discuss his upcoming surgery for his healing wounds and he’s all, “CALL SCOTT!” and the audience is all, “SCOTT CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER HE HAS A HEALING FACTOR” and Mrs. McCall is all, “That sounds logical.” Outside, Sheriff Stalinski is all, “I need to talk to that girl with the taser!” and Mrs. McCall is all, “She’s unconscious!” and The Girl is all, “What, these intravenous sedatives? ::PULLS OUT TUBE::”

Meanwhile, everyone goes to English class and - OH NOES! - has to sit next to his/her love interest! Everyone in the class and in saunters the only English teacher with every one of her students’ cell numbers in her phone. She’s texted them the LAST LINE of the book they are about to read (And NO spoiler warning!) as a way to give herself gravitas and segway into telling them that there will be NO texting in class so that the writers can have a plot device for cutting off communication. Oh, and spoilers, they’re reading “Heart of Darkness”.

Gay principal tells Scott he has to get to the hospital, the new teacher tells Scott she’s gonna be a hardass on him, and he uses his vocab word of the day. The English teacher is all, “ZOMG HE IS SO SMART!!!!!”

At l’hopital, We see our third Alpha (Barefoot Hippie Alpha), when she goes in to anesthetize Isaac. Barefoot Hippie Alpha then goes to kill The Girl and she’s escaped (and beaten and handcuffed a police officer). At some point are there going to be repercussions to these shenanigans?????

Back in class, Stiles and Lydia establish that animals are going CRAY and that the episode is due for another psycho beast just in time for us to get our homage to Daphne du Moire and Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds! This scene is EXCELLENT and MAKES this episode!

 

I’m watching this on mtv.com and I get a targeted ad starring Kristen Bell. AW, KRISTEN BELL! <3 <3 <3! Back at the episode, Scott and his mom talk about some more about how Scott is going to be super responsible and please everyone this year. LAWL. Scott goes to get Isaac and a hot, blind older gentlemen gets on with him. Man, Derek’s uncle has gotten a lot hotter- Oh, this is a different white dude, Alpha wolf? Coulda fooled me!

Anyway, this segment is all a distraction because our fifth Alpha (that’s all the Cyclons, guys!) steals Isaac out of surgery (Editor’s Note: Shirtless Boys Count: 5). This Alpha is beefy and very reminiscent of Mark Saling... Okay, this is Glee Alpha. Anyway, he beats up Scott in the elevator until DEREK (<3!!!!!!!!!) comes to save his lil’ Gamma wolf!

Back on The Birds, Stiles’ dad tries to make friends with Blue Eyes over weird animals and being a Hunter and Blue Eyes is all, “We don’t do that anymore? Who told you that?? Go away!”

Derek takes Isaac to the Hale house (where he no longer lives) and gets some wolfsbane to plot device Isaac back to life. Scott bargains for the secret to getting sucky werewolf tattoos.

While Derek operates, The Girl meets Allison and Lydia in the hall and grabs them by the wrist, bruising them. Blue Eyes shows up and is all, “Girls, you don’t have ANY responsibilities anymore!” and The Girl wanders off to get killed.

Mr. Stalinski gets us another movie moment when he checks on the animals at the vets; they’ve all committed suicide! CREEPY!!!

Derek uses his ex-ray Alpha vision (evidently Kal-El is an Alpha) to see Scott’s precognizant daydream tattoo and Scott reveals that his tattoo ISN’T totally lame, it’s a testament to how much he loves Allison. He loves her SO MUCH that he TOTALLY DIDN’T call OR text her all summer, even though she TOTALLY had reception in France, which is TOTALLY not lame!

Anyway, Scott un-ephemeral’s his tattoo and talks to Stiles about how life is, like, totally ephemeral. What is not ephemeral, though, is the Alpha pack’s swastika on Derek’s front door. Derek fills Scott and Stiles in on the Alpha pack situation: “You deal with an Alpha pack by getting as much help as you can. ...But not in a timely manner, only at the last minute when it’s too late to save your awesome guidance counselor.”

Oh, yeah, the Alphas have been beating up The Girl, so we cut to Deucalion (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLION) saying that her prophecy about Scott killing Voldemort is totally bupkis and he’s not afraid of Scott because he can get Derek to kill Scott. Then he kills The Girl.

… Yeah. THAT’S bupkis, Jeff Davis.

ANYWAY, it’s THEN that Lydia and Allison notice that their bruises make a symbol, which we see is on the floor of a bank vault/prison where an Erica-esque hand is comforting a mysterious, Boyd-like figure! Looks like it’s Fight Club with baby wolves next week!

(Oh, also, if you were wondering which literary figure Deucalion gets his name from it’s the Greek version of the Noah’s ark story. So I guess Deucalion lost his sight in a flood? At least it helps explain those promos of Scott drowning himself!)

Anthony Kuhns's picture
on June 7, 2013