American Horror Story: Asylum - Episode Three - Nor'easter

This week we begin by reliving Adam Levine’s unfortunate front-of-chest-otomy from episode 2, because this show has no respect for my grief. Bloody Face wants to kill Teresa real bad! And he would, if it weren’t for the fact that Adam Levine is implausibly alive! Yes! He saves his screaming wife, knocking the crazed killer to the ground and jamming an orbitoclast (look it up, it’s actually more horrifying than anything on this show) into his chest!

Teresa makes with the stabby stabby too, then scoops Adam Levine up so they can GTFO because apparently in the frame story everyone has a lot of hit points.

But just as Teresa (whom the internet has just informed me is Channing Tatum’s IRL wife, and I have no jokes I need to process this)  is calling 911, TWO MORE BLOODY FACES SHOW UP AND BLOW THEM AWAY WITH GUNS. Masks come off and they’re just a couple of creeps, and the dead Bloody Face is their friend? They’re all Funny Games/end of Scream-ing it up when they realize that none of them brought an arm-ripper-off with them. :\

GAAAAAHHHH REAL BLOODY FACE! Waste these guys! But instead, the awesome opening titles.

1964. Sister Jude is wearing cat eye glasses, that little minx. You can take fifty-three cocks out of the nun, but you can’t make her drink. Or can you? Sister Mary Demonface brings in the mail, and the news that a big fat storm (her words) is coming.

The paper is from 1949! This is kind of weird! “Gee, has anything else weird happened lately? Nah, surely there is a totally mundane explanation for this, I’d better start stressfully baking bread and acting very guiltily in front of my enemies.” -Sister Jude

Doctor Arden plays with the alien microchip. Remember that? I guess it didn’t get away after all.

Dr. Zachary Quinto interrupts Sister J’s stress baking to lecture her about therapy and compassion and how she positively destroyed Kit’s adorable butt. Sister Jude is all “screw you, I’m planning a movie night. I know all about fun. I DEFINITELY NEVER KILLED A LITTLE GIRL.” Then she tells him that they need to turn his office back into a torture chamber, so it’s time to scram.

The demon nun goes to be really obviously demonic (Lily Rabe, all of my love, it is for you.) and tell the inmates about their fun movie night, and this happens.

Kit wants to try to escape again and Grace is all “waaahhh?” and then her and her perfectly-tousled hair get in Lana’s face. “Thanks for ratting us out, you scummy shit (my words).” Uh-oh, time for Kit to go see Doctor Arden. Sorry buddy.

So the Security Frank is spying on Dr. Zachary Quinto for Sister Jude, ok that’s cool. At least there’s one man in this world who obeys you, girl. We take what we can get, right? And in bursts the Demon Nun like someone dropped a nickel in her, and she brought wine! She whips out some serious demonic corruption mojo. She’s wearing lipstick, she recites Sister Jude’s official bio, like how she gave up the drink not because she was a miserable alcoholic or anything but because she had a CALLING, and then she’s all “Doctor Arden knows red is your favorite color! Here is some bait, take it.”

I miss Sister Mary Eunice (SO PURE), but my demonic homegirl is pretty fucking great.

Elsewhere, Kit is strapped to Doctor Arden’s examination table, where he’s taking the poking and prodding pretty much in stride. And the cockroach microchip is going bananas. It wants to get inside Kit even more than...nah. Too easy.

Doctor Arden thinks the Stasi or the KGB are trying to infiltrate his crazyhouse of horrors? Better keep an eye on this guy, Doc. We can’t have the communists getting ahold of your monstrification technology. Then he’s all “I BET IT WAS THE JEWS” and hindsight being 20/20, I really should have seen where they were going with this guy... but anyway.

The Crazy Psychic Latina Grandma is praying the rosary in her cell, and in comes Demon Nun, being awesome, and feeling murdery.

So Demon Nun feeds the Psychic Latina Grandma to Doctor Arden’s pet monsters in the woods. Monsters gotta eat. She goes to visit Doctor Arden because she’s in pretty much every scene this week, and that is MORE than fine. Even when she wasn’t a demon she was all in, apparently. They just need to get the creatures through the winter? But then she starts with the dirty talk and Doctor Arden hates when women are whores. How does anyone not know this about him? It’s basically the headline of his OK Cupid profile.

So she shows him her mossy bank and talks about how juicy she is and he belts her a good one and is all “get out of my office!” and his Madonna/whore complex strips all of its gears.

Meanwhile, in the Dominique room, Dr. Zachary Quinto is directing some guys in the placement of the movie projection screen. Psychiatrically. Lana pulls him aside and delivers a desperate plea for help, and he perhaps too obviously leaps at the opportunity to stick it to Sister Jude and Briarcliff as a whole. Lana is saved! Definitely saved. This show is, after all, called “American Happy Ending Story.”

So Grace and Shelly are working at the bakery. Who the hell buys this bread? This place is full of compulsive masturbators and torture victims. Ew. Shelly is all “I want to come with you guys!” and Grace isn’t having it. “So you can screw more guys?” JUDGY. Shelly wants to go to France where she’ll be celebrated. Grace explains her accent. I’ll admit, I was wondering.

Doctor Arden has had a very long, particularly strange day, even for a mad scientist, and he doesn’t feel like verbally sparring with Sister Jude. But she’s in the middle of a paranoid fit so fuck you, deal with it.

And they start to have one of those awesome conversations where they are both talking about two completely different things AND NEITHER OF THEM EVER REALIZES IT. Yet they manage to stumble on some striking truths. Sister Mary Eunice has been corrupted by this place and the patients (well, one), and Doctor Arden’s leeuhs have been very transparent.

Sister J goes to pray. She gets an evil prank phone call from a dead little girl. Normal storm stuff. She cries. Our heart breaks for her. God. Dammit. Sister Jude is the protagonist of this thing. Ok, whatever, we’re all in. Hey, look, the wine is still there.

A commercial break later and Sister Jude is at the bottom of the ol’ crystal decanter. She goes down to check on/harangue her demons and insane people. “The Mexican” is missing, which is apparently their nickname for the Psychic Latina Grandma, and Sister Jude slurs her way through the movie intro and she calls Charles Laughton an “enormous whoopsie,” which may be how I identify from here on out. Elsewhere, Doctor Arden is watching his pet alien technology again go bananas.

So Sissy Jude is wasted! For a minute she seems to threaten to burst into song. Or tears. Or a hysterical murder confession. She definitely flirts with all three. And then she’s off to find the Mexican.

Dr. Zachary Quinto and Lana talk about Clea DuVall, and how he couldn’t find her at her house. He’s starting to think maybe Bloody Face is still out there, and that Clea DuVall is totally dead. HMMMMM. Lana uses all the female flesh on screen as an excuse to leave the room, as Grace has just used her own female flesh similarly.

So at this point Sister Jude, Doctor Arden, Grace, Lana, and Shelly are all wandering around the darkened stormy crazyhouse. Lana is all “take me with you!” and Grace is all “I hate you,” and Kit is all “OK you can come with us,” and that’s that. Shelly, meanwhile, decides she CAN’T go with them because she needs to sex Carl, who is a guard, a marine, AND between our heroes and the exit. Fair enough! Shelly, we salute you. 

Doctor Arden puts lipstick on a statue of the Virgin Mary, and he mutters about wores. Then he breaks it, because he’s a jerk.

So Shelly knocks Carl over during his blowjob and he hits his head. Rough. Carl was only trying to enjoy some illicit sex with a mental patient. Sister Jude is stumbling around chasing pink elephants when (from here on out it’s pretty much all screaming so TAKE A DEEP BREATH) THIS HAPPENS.

Cut to Shelly, running down the hall trying to figure out where her crazy friends went, and she runs into Doctor Arden, who will surely help her. :(  

So the escapees are wandering around in the tunnel, and realize Shelly isn’t coming and they’re all SHRUG.

Back at the ranch, Dr. Zachary Quinto clues Security Frank in to the general exodus of patients from this movie, which Sister Mary (Demonface) Eunice is just LOVING (the movie, that is). Speaking of The Sign of the Cross, it’s pre-Code, which is to say studios could kind of make whatever the hell they wanted and theatres would show it or not show it based on local obscenity laws. It’s a pretty sexy violent affair (for the time), and why this is on the 1964 Catholic Church’s shortlist of OK-for-crazyhouse-showings films is beyond me. I’d say it’s a sly reference, but the movie’s scandalous excess is brought up several times.

(Her actual line.)  

So Doctor Arden brings Shelly to his office, and he starts to strip down and reveal the Evil Underpants of an earlier generation, and she’s like “GAH. NO. RAPE,” and here we are doing sex horror again. We’re in this together, you guys. So Shelly interrupts her own sexual assault to howl with laughter at Doctor Arden, who apparently is rather poorly endowed in the pants region. “You’re seven feet tall I thought you’d be hung like a” THUD, as he hits her in the head, knocking her out. :(

Out on the grounds, the would-be escapees find the Psychic Latina Grandma, and THE THING THAT IS EATING HER.

So they run! Run dummies! But then there’s another one! AAAAAAHHH! These woods are full of fucking creatures!

Sister Demonface rouses Sister Jude from her drunken stupor, and for half a second she’s all “omg you guys saw the alien too?” but she elects to completely ignore this thing she clearly remembers in favor of having to find her missing three crazies.

And the missing crazies are the Mexican, Shelly, and a character I don’t think I’ve mentioned before now because I don’t have anything to call her that wouldn’t be perhaps too legitimately offensive, so I shall use the show’s term: the pinhead. Sister Jude hopes they all drown out there.

I wish that Shelly had drowned too. :(